How to Survive Social Media: A Guide

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Believe deep in your heart that social media was made for you, that it is yours and you deserve it. Believe that the world revolves around you and that your followers care. Your mantra should be: PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME. Also believe that you directly influence your followers’ lives, that you inspire them and they look up to you. Let this disposition be the fuel to your incessant posting.

Once in a while, because so many people care, go on a rant calling out your haters. It shouldn’t matter whether you have haters or not. Just call them out. Tell the world how they want to shoot you down, how they want to block your shine. Say it with confidence and sass. But don’t leave this post like this, be wise, my dear friend. If you leave it this way, you’ll be a bitter person that loves ranting. Instead, use this post to put yourself on a pedestal and encourage people, and finish off with something like, “They’ll only want to put you down when you’re high up. Thank God for all my haters.” Ultimately, show the people that you don’t care about the haters, that “haters gon’ hate.” Turn a blind eye to the explicit irony.

To be successful on social media, you have to be conscious and alert in all that you do. Everything should be well orchestrated and puppeteered. Every move should bring you closer to the ultimate goal: lots of followers and likes. That is why you shouldn’t follow everyone that follows you.

Carry out heavy background checks on whoever follows you. Scrutinize their life; what they eat, where they hangout, what they read (if they don’t read, don’t even bother with them), who they hang-out with, if they drive, the clothes they wear and who their boyfriends and girlfriends are. It should go without saying that you should carry out the checks on those significant others. If they seem as ‘refined’ as you, hit that follow back button. But if they fail to meet your requirements (maybe they eat at the local ‘Mama Njoro’s‘ instead of Java), ignore them. Let them increase that follower ratio. Let them be fans.

Only follow back people that matter: celebrities, socialites and a few friends, the rest of them will understand.

Remember: EVERY MOVE SHOULD BE A POWER-GRAB MOVE.

Say for example you travel abroad, let everyone know you traveled. Post it everywhere. Post photos of the ticket and the wing of the plane when you get on board. Relentlessly post photos of yourself in ‘I Love New York’ t shirts and caps. And to go along with them, add the location tag. They internet should know you traveled.

If you’re a girl, always remember to complain about the number of DMs flooding your account. Again, it shouldn’t matter whether the DMs exist or not. Remember that the point is to show people that people care so that those that don’t, start caring. Be confident in these professions. Talk about how guys are always sending nasty pictures of ugly manhoods and that you’re getting fed up. And on the off chance that a weird Indian guy with terrible English sends you a photo of his schlong, post it. Use it as evidence and a threat to whoever may want to do the same. But remember to conceal his identity and the schlong with emojis and stickers. The last thing you want is to be slanderous because you’ll seem virulent and bitter and the internet does not respond well to virulent and bitter people.

Social media success comes from people sharing your content, and hashtags are your best friends when it comes to this. Ride waves, hop on whatever is cool at that moment. Whether it’s trolling the government or participating in an internet challenge. It should not matter how trivial something seems to you. Remember: THE INTERNET DECIDES WHAT’S COOL AND WHAT’S NOT. If it’s a video of a cat falling asleep that is trending, post that video. Show people that you’re updated, that you know what’s cool and what’s not.

The pickle comes in when it’s something serious that requires a bit of wit, a serious hashtag like ending slave trade in North Africa. You don’t need to care about what’s going on up North. You may not even know anything about it until the moment you see it. Our regular approach of writing #endslavetrade will not work here. Of course we should end slave trade! Not to worry, friend. Just find a statistic, quote or any other witty content and post it and at the end of it, put your hashtag. For theatrical purposes, add a few crying emojis to show that you’re really hurting from the situation. You could even go as far as starting a new compassionate hashtag, #IStandWithLibya. After doing this, forget about it and proceed drinking with friends and when you come back online you will be overwhelmed by the likes and retweets you get.

You want people to relate to you as much as possible. The internet does not respond well to cryptic people that hide themselves. The internet deems the proud. Be as transparent as you possibly can be. If you are about to be a parent, go ahead and open an Instagram account for your foetus. But keep in mind that this account should be private, you don’t want exes polluting the foetus’ account with jealousy. Take people through your all your stages of pregnancy. And when it finally pops out, take a leap of courage and live stream the first few seconds of the baby’s new life on earth. Don’t wipe off the sweat from your forehead or the baby’s slime from its body, we’re being as transparent as possible.

In the spirit of openness, the key to success lies in the bio. Your bio should say everything about you in as few words as possible. Don’t use mundane layman language on the bio, use complex synonyms to describe yourself and what you do for a living. For instance, if you’re studying pharmacy don’t write ‘Pharmacy Student’, you’re better than that. Write ‘Apothecary.’

Also, keep in mind that this generation cares a lot about zodiac signs. So always put down your horoscope on the bio and accompany it with its zodiac symbol. Go a notch higher and share your age too, it’s just a number anyway. The last part of the bio should be a clever line. Something to show people you’re easy going and approachable. “I am not lazy, I just rest before I get tired.” Accompany it with the laughing emoji.

 

Finally, bear in mind that you are a character on social media and like a character in a movie, you have to have traits to describe you. Pick a character to masquerade in and DO NOT sway away from this character.

Say you’ve picked a deep sophisticated virtuoso persona, ensure that everything you post is in line with this character. Post photos of plain solid colors and weird paintings of angry naked babies riding unicorns, and write intensely deep captions for them. The captions can be copied from people in your ‘line of work’ such as Paulo Coelho. You don’t really need to have a passion for all these, it’s just a character – you’re acting. There are a lot of other personas you could pick on: a feminist, mental health awareness supporter, fashionista, viner, sex guy, meme guy, Goth, druggie/trapper, foodie, poet, adrenaline junkie, cars’ guy and many more, the list is endless.

All you need to remember is to never divert from your character. You are an actor.